Am I the only mother who wonders what is wrong with me when I annoy my beautiful children with my negative moods? Or shall I say: bounce my moods off of them ~ they are amazingly resilient and do a good job of not giving me the attention I don’t deserve. I know I’m not the only one… but I feel alone when I do this, and terrible. I have so much to be thankful for… yet it is hard sometimes to smile.
My son said “Mommy, sometimes you are nice and sometimes you aren’t, I wish you’d make up your mind!” he was being just a bit silly, no, actually, he was being honest. I told him I would really try, and I will.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to refer to the adult brain so instantly, to analyze, and I could think more like a little boy – with little boy patience and little boy humor and little boy wonderment. I admit it was humorously wonderful today when my son was vacuuming in the nude, even though I had insisted he do so because he and his brother had nibbled through half a box of Trader Joe’s crackers and left crumbs everywhere while I was trying paint a brick wall for his birthday party.
When I am consciously involved with my kids, everything and every emotion swims over my heart. We have an immense amount of pure fun, and we have scuffles ~ both intense. It is when I am distracted in my adult-world that parenting feels easier – when I ignore my kids (which I usually do not do). I don’t like feeling like something is wrong with my parenting skills if all is not happy crackers in a home with two unbelievably bouncy little boys who at times drive me absolutely bonkers, though my fierce feelings of affection for them like to rip my heart out. I am tired of feeling inadequate when people tell me what a wonderful time they are having (every time I inquire how they are) with their kids when I know they might be falsifying (or ignoring).
I think about this when I think about my paintings – what do I want out of my painting career? When I’m gone, what do I want my collection of paintings to say about me, and about life in general? What message do I want to share with the world? How do I want to help? Do I want every painting to be a phony sense of perfectly thrilling fulfillment, or do I want (like I say I want) to be honest, earnest, conscious and real?
I ache for honesty, I ache to throw complex to the wind and paint something that really feels good inside and out – a piece that is truly honest. I did that with Deep As A River – the newest painting (above) – I feel 100% satisfied with the message I placed into the current of the world with this painting – this painting speaks me. And I want more of them.
When I was a child, there was a radio station called 97.1 KISN, and my mom loved it. It was oldies, and I like oldies to this day (for a bit). My brother, though, called it Happy Crap, and that resonated with me today – I don’t want my painting portfolio to be a collection of Happy Crap (and I don’t think it is, but I think I am tempted to head that way sometimes, just out of habit) – pieces created just for the sake of a happy oblivious smile because I know that is what others want to feel.
I want my collection of work to be emotive and intriguing, insightful and interesting…
So, shall we examine what we want out of our lives? To make sure we are working in a direction we should? Shall we be honest with ourselves to ensure we are not just doing what others think we should be doing? Geesh, I guess today it was time for me to do so…
There is a quote I can’t quite place – something about “if you are going the wrong way, you should turn around, not speed up in the wrong direction…” Do you know this quote?
I feel that I am going in the right direction, in general, just sometimes I stumble then get up and look the wrong way for guidance.
Have a wonderful night – I wish for you instances of pure honesty.
Love & Sincerely, Katie